2000

..."A capital ship for an ocean trip was the Walloping Window Blind." And I sometimes felt I was at the helm of it as I moderated a raucous panel discussion among media buyers and cable media vendors at ACCESS ERA on Sept. 11 in Las Vegas.

Remember the story about the guy who was stuck on a rock in the middle of a raging river. Rescuers tried to save him three times-twice in boats and once in a helicopter-but he waved them off each time, saying, "Don't worry God will save me!" Just after the helicopter departed, a sudden surge in the water level swept him off the rock and he drowned. When he arrived at the Pearly Gates, he was upset "I put my faith in God," he told St Peter, "and I drowned anyway." St Peter replied, "What are you harping about? We sent two boats and a helicopter!"

Following the introduction of the telephone, Western Union reportedly issued an international memo saying, "The device is inherently of no value to us." In 1943, IBM chief Thomas J. Watson was said to have concluded, "I think there is a world market for about five computers." And three years later, film producer Darryl. F. Zanuck was discussing television when he predicted, "People will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night." I'll go out on a limb here and challenge all three assessments.

Our new business team once presented to a brand name poultry company, with rousing success. Their internal marketing managers were captivated by long form DRTV's unique advertising benefits. They were just hours from deciding to be the first major food processor to produce a program length ad when their general advertising agency's Account Director called and lay down the law, "I'd rather drive down a road throwing chickens off the back of a truck than let you do an infomercial." Moments later, I got the call... "Gosh, Tim, I don't think we have room in the budget. Maybe we'll consider it next year..."

ANGLES CAMP, CA -- The Sierra Nevadas are a perfect backdrop as I reflect on the history of infomercials. Not the peaks and valleys so much as the striking parallels of earlier years. Nestled in the mountains just a few miles north of here is the town of Coloma, where the discovery of gleaming yellow nuggets sparked the California Gold Rush of 1849. Tens of thousands marched in from across the country and around the world-the dreamers, the adventurous, the avaricious-lured by visions of striking it rich or profiting from those who tried. The greatest voluntary migration in history not only put the Golden State on the world map, it also spurred expansion of the Wild West and ultimately helped spawn Hollywood and the Silicon Valley (among other dubious distinctions).

Snake oil, anyone? Nearly 16 years ago when I started my involvement in long-form direct response TV, the few of us experimenting with long-form infomercials were equated by nearly everyone as being nothing more than electronic variants of the 19th century medicine show.

Forrester Research is at it again, playing at Delphic oracle. They've come up with some numbers about Internet retailers, they've consulted their crystal ball and they've made direct pronouncements. In this case, they say, the majority of e-tailers will fall by the wayside or be gobbled up by someone else before this year's holiday shopping season.

Months of production and planning work have finally paid off when those tapes are neatly packaged and ready to be shipped to the TV stations. Suddenly, all the effort and the sweat equity will turn into profits when your infomercial airs and viewers start dialing their phones to buy your product.

But before you deliver those tapes, consider this: Did you close-caption your infomercial?

What do Chrysler, IBM and Mattel have in common with AT&T, Bank of America, State Farm Insurance and other Fortune 500 companies? And what distinction do they all share with leading brands around the world like Braun, Sony, Sega and T-Fal? In a word, infomercials.

An amazing number of people who take written driver's tests are said to believe the cautionary yellow sign depicting a car skidding on slick pavement means "drunk driver ahead." An equally amazing number of people think 877 is a standard, you-gotta-pay-for-the-call area code. A fewer, but significant, number think the same about 888. And the ones who do know better often dial 800, anyway.